“Tweeter of the Amused.” – Jillian J. Lang
I told this dude I wouldn’t have sex with him, and now he’s sitting next to me without pants. Or boxers. He’s a nudist, he says. This isn’t about you, Jill. He’s over me. That only took approximately five minutes from Time of Rejection (TOR). He’s already farting in front of me.
Vancouver: Where all the white people look the same.
On his 30th birthday, she sat across from him and arrogantly asked, “So. Now that you’re 30, do you have any plans or goals, or have you even thought about it?” He stuttered; I almost punched the bitch.
So, I could have been honest with the chick about what I think of her business sense, but instead I acted like a mental lunatic. I came by it honestly, but I think my blatant opinion insulted her anyways. I was just being honest about why working for free isn’t sustainable.
The scariest thing about living in the moment is nothing.
Who doesn’t like hanging out under a blankey? I like hanging out under a blankey so much, I’m hanging out under two.
Walking down Cook Street, eating a cold smoked sausage out of a brown paper bag.
At the market earlier (totally in the clouds), and I’m walking up to the bananas like a fairy, softly exclaiming, “Bananas! Bananas!” This old man, approaching the bananas, after hearing me softly exclaims, “Bananas! Bananas!”
My 13-year-old nephew had to explain “wheeling” to my 27-year-old brother.
Taking Kettle Salt & Pepper ripple chips to a bocce tournament, and I just had an old man boarding the bus tell me I have good taste in chips.
Google Images unanimously agrees that Charlie Sheen is the poster child of “winning.”
Vancouver is legs and boots.
If scientists studied My Pet Monster’s nose, I wonder how many kisses they would find…
Today after cooking eggs, the pan was relatively easy to clean, with only a hardened yolk in the exact shape of a sperm.
You know the universe loves you when Super Garth meets the guy you gave a foot job to in grade 9. He and his wife recognized me by my laugh.
Instead of monitoring parking, maybe commissionaires could monitor littering.
Apparently collections agents don’t work on the day that Jesus died on the Cross.
“You have too many questions. We’ve gone over the 5 minutes. I’ll get someone to call you back, probably not today.”
In the spirit of Joan Rivers, another one bites the dust.
I once attended a pool party, hosted by lesbians, where gay dudes were yelling “HUMAN SHIELD” during water fights.
I posted a picture of David Beckham’s ass on Facebook, and even straight men are flirting with it.
Ladies & Gentlemen, I just returned toilet paper because it was chapping my ass.
I had a dream that I was trying to buy a white, chocolate banana bun from Whole Foods, but they wanted two weeks for it, so I told them off.
Woke up, looked at the sky and saw a dick plunging the clouds. “That’s a dick,” I said, and crawled back into bed.
Strung out, silver-hair’d man walks by me and says, “You just need a little extra padding and you’ll be alright.” Keeps walking.
Governments and terrorists, peas and carrots.
Without people who breed, there would be no people who fail to breed.
Immaculée Ilibagiza. Know her. She’ll give you perspective.
Yoga is my playpen.
What the world needs now is a hug, a big hug.
I just asked the universe if it’s possible to commit suicide in the Vortex, and then spilled an entire jar of freshly poured water.
Humans own land; aliens own planets.
I’m giving my Capricorn friend a birthday card with a bulge.
Angels of Marijuana. Angels for everything.
I wonder if my cells know that they work in a body named Jill…
The writer just told the doodler not to punctuate the double exclamation with a smiley face.
A tall, good-looking said “hi” to me tonight. I ignored him. I’ll do better next time.
News is blaring on a television behind me at an Indian food joint, and all I can think is: it’s fabricated hurricane season!